Parenting

You wanna talk shit about my kid?!? Go ahead…I dare you….

So today I did basically the unimaginable for a mom of a boy….I brought him to his first dance classes. It was epic, and pretty much all I’d ever dreamed of (both from my perspective at least, lol) but I couldn’t help but already feel the judgement headed our way. Maybe I’m imagining it. In fact, I hope I’m imagining it…like most of my other anxiety issues, I hope it doesn’t really exist and I’m just “making something out of nothing” as usual, as so many like to say. That’s a best case scenario, really. 

But yet, I still felt like I had to use a #boysdancetoo in my post about his first day. I feel like I’m already SO ready to fight this “imaginary” fight for my son who is taking not one, but TWO (gasp! Two! 😱) dance classes this year. I’m so ready for someone to make the wrong comment at me; to use my too-well-rehearsed comebacks for whatever they might have to throw at me. FR though…

But you know what I didn’t expect? This rare little mom-gem, born at the spur of the moment. Feel free to steal it, since I basically stole it from my own mother anyway…..

L: [after 5 full minutes of excitement about what he’d just done] “Mom, it’s just girls in my class though, I’m the only BOY!!” Me: “You know what that means? That you’ll *always* be the best boy in the class.” His eyes lit up and, if even just for a moment, all his thoughts melted away at that. He was the best boy, and right then he knew it. I hope he holds on to that one. And I’m beyond proud of myself for thinking of it at the exact moment he needed to hear it. 

It’s too easy for me to get frustrated, even with Logan. It’s too easy to make excuses and say I’m stressed out and react like a maniac to everything that comes my way. Believe me. I could have dragged him out of that studio screaming at him about how lucky he was to even be taking classes, or about all the things that we would all be missing out on to put him in them, or really, even how ferociously I was willing to fight for him to do what he loves (because to begin with, lets face it – we’re doing all of this because the effing kid loves to dance). 

But I didn’t. That’s the whole point. He, between classes, thought about getting mouthy for a second and I squashed it right quick. …*[Hard-ass staredown] We’re not doing that right now… [redirection]* and conversation over. 

In no way am I pretending that I’m always right or even that I know what the fuck I’m doing at any given moment. I just felt like for one second, I had a good moment I wanted to share. Maybe it might be helpful or insightful from someone else (because I’ve had plenty of my own moments in those “small stories”) but really it’s just that I’m overloaded with twins and life and school and work, (and Logan, which seems like an afterthought only because he’s SO damn easy) and every other fucking thing that we all are dealing with daily. But today…maybe just today…today, me and my favorite little guy, we had one of the best days we’ve ever had. And that’s all that could ever matter. That’s all 😜🤘🏻 #boysdancetoo #dancemom 

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Adulthood, Babies, Parenting, RealTalk, Sarcastic, Twins

A lesson in self-care…

I very often tell my 6-year-old how much I thank him, appreciate him, couldn’t live without him, etc. for all he does – and you know why?! Because he HELPS OUT more than anyone could imagine, and I’m truly grateful for that!! I joke all the time that he does “everything but diapers” – but it’s actually true. This kid *actually* watches, entertains, wrangles his sisters while I’m cooking or doing laundry or the dishes or whatever else I might need to get done around the house. He’s *actually* there for the 2.5 minutes that I’m worried that Ari will climb out of her high chair and plummet to her death. He takes baths with them both so they have more fun (because they really do when he’s there). And when mom is yelling at everyone because she’s at her last straw, he comforts them and tells them what to do to not make me be so angry anymore (in a 6 year old’s way, but it honestly always calms me a bit too, lol). 

He does it all without question and with love, laughter, and a super genuine adoration for his baby sisters, nearly every time I ask him for the favor (hey, no one’s perfect; why should I expect him to be?!) My beautiful little 4-year-old niece Elizabeth assists him when she’s here, (we get her every other weekend and some holidays…standard “separated-parents scenario”) and it’s basically the cutest thing you’ve ever seen with the four of them. 

And then we come to today….today I told him to go take some time for himself. The girls were screaming at me for some dinner (which I was making for them at the time) and he was trying to help but you could tell he was tired. The kind of tired that I get at the end of the night. The kind of tired where you, yes, still love them so very much but maybe just want to run away forever kind of tired….

Self care is important. Really important. And I told him that. I strongly encouraged him to have a moment to himself when we got home,  because he had been with the girls all day while I was at work, and I knew he really needed it. Again, self-care is really important. It’s important for you and I, and it’s important for a six year old too, especially when he has baby twin sisters that he genuinely helps with day in and day out. 

And now he’s in the bathtub, teaching his girlies “how to blow bubbles” because he got a little recharge and came back to help for the night while dad’s still at work. I told him to take 5 minutes in his room but gave him half an hour (or more….I really never did ask him to come back downstairs…) to have for himself. When he hesitated at first, I told him it was important for him to take care of himself too. That even though I might need help, that it was important for him to take care of himself. And he totally did, and I was super proud. 😍😍

Adulthood, Babies, Parenting, RealTalk, Sarcastic, Twins

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning….

Aaaand I’m going so nuts, literally packing everything in the damn house for our first family “vacation” for an entire week away with the 5 of us. I mean, thank God the girls aren’t on formula anymore (bc you bet your ass I’d be bringing that Baby Brezza too if they were) but the amount of shit you need, or think you need anyway, for 3 young kids for a week in the middle of nowhere is maddening. Please, little blue pill, just get me through the night here…. 💊😳😬✌🏻😂

So fingers are crossed that we actually have a good time and all of that. I’m skeptical (especially bc alllllll of the siblings are gonna be there and plus who knows who else will show up lol) but this is as good as it’s getting for as far out as I can see right now, especially financially but even just logistically, so we’re gonna effing make the best of it!!

I was doing my “last shopping” earlier tonight for the trip (which, we still have to go first thing….meaning in a couple of hours…for some very, very last minute stuff anyway, smh…) and ran into one of my new mom friends. Well, when I say my new mom friend, what I really mean is that Logan has a new friend from teeball and those little friends tend to come with parents that you have to deal with regularly, like it or not. But this one seems great….cool, easy to talk to, seems like she drinks like a fish like me (which, if anyone can keep pace with me they immediately get bonus points in my book, lol). We shot the shit for like 10 full minutes where it was glorious not to care what I was supposed to be doing or who wanted what or who was beating on who or anything else that is the nonsense of my daily life right now. What a difference to effing feel normal, like you have friends in this God-forsaken town in the middle of effing nowhere lol. I grew up here and still feel like I have way more friends back in Newton. Making friends as an adult is the effing most awkward thing in the universe, man. Idk how the hell people without kids even do it at all because these days it seems like the only new friends I come across are because of my kid in all honesty! But I digress….

Soooooo ‪#momconfession: today I bought my daughters bathing suits (…bikinis…) that I’m honestly kind of horrified at, but they were the only cute, matching, in-their-size bathing suits at Walmart less than 12 hours before vacation, and we needed (“needed”) another set…..my obsession with dressing them alike has officially reached a new low….‬

But they’re soooooo cute tho…. 😍😍

Here’s to packing till the last minute, staying up all night, no one getting a bath lmfao, and to what better be a fucking great week away from reality…. 🍻✌🏻🇺🇸🎉👍🏻

Adulthood, Babies, Parenting, RealTalk, Sarcastic, Twins

When you finally grow up….

The thing about when you finally grow up is that it doesn’t happen all at once. I mean, maybe for some people it does, but for me it didn’t. It took me the better part of 6 years worth of having kid(s), 7 years of marriage, and a late night trip to Walmart for essentials for me to get there. Cruising down the aisles with only trash bags and two gallons of milk in my arms, it hit me like a ton of bricks. All the shit I wanted – all of those cool things and impulse buys that you pass when having to go all the effing way to the back of the store for a gallon of milk – I saw them all so clearly that night for whatever reason…along with just when those impulse buys faded away for me, one by one through the years. Adulting at its finest, #truth ✌🏻.

Maybe it was from watching our wedding video with Logan earlier that day; maybe it was just that life was becoming so overwhelming and intolerable, honestly. And maybe it was just time. Looking at the “treat” of a king sized Reese’s I got for myself, since the kids are in bed after all, and the Kit Kat I got for Dan (because it would be inconsiderate to come home without something for him too), all while trying to go as quickly as possible so as not to lose my slick-mom-wine-buzz I’ve achieved tonight, it hits like a wrecking ball. It’s this wonderfully terrifying combination of hollow, accomplished, defeated pride that I can only imagine is what comes standard with a pack of 3 kids, a house you can’t afford and two jobs that aren’t cutting it. Yikes, lol 😳. Oh well. 

As I pull up to the McD’s window for my dinner (that yes, I am finally going to eat…after a fat bowl-skie or two when I get back home…) I remember that it was I who used to work that same late night drive-thru shift at a McD’s near the UCONN campus – with the same combination of nice, reasonable people like myself just trying to get some food real quick along with some dicks who were total assholes because they were drunk, or young, or just stupid, much like the ones in line with me right now – and I realize that while everything has changed, nothing has really changed at all…. 🤔😳🤦🏼‍♀️✌🏻

Parenting

It can’t be….

I finally broke down and actually cried because we’re 4 days away from the twins turning one. Like legit – had a hard, long cry that the first year of my last babies’ life has already passed us by. Time is so cruel to mothers….no matter how long the days, the months and years are forever shorter somehow. 

And now I have a screaming baby to tend to….

Adulthood, Bad Day, Parenting, RealTalk, Sarcastic, Twins

When you burn a candle at both ends….and then throw a lighter right in the middle while you’re at it….

I used to think things were hard…that life was hard. Life is hard, but my previous life – before the twins – doesn’t hold a candle to the torch my life now has become. To recap, I’ve gone back to work (long ago, and far too soon but that’s another story for another day), and then had the crazy idea that it would be smart to go back to school for nursing…while having infant twins and a 5 year old, being the sole income for the household right now, and well, you know, just having the rest of life and a home and family to deal with on top of it all. This will be all well and good in the long run, but let’s be real, it’s batshit crazy right now. Talk about climbing an uphill battle on the daily, for real.

I used to think I was tired. Like before I had kids I thought I was tired…that is fucking hilarious to me now. Tired from what, Christina? Late night bong rips? Sleeping in till “only” 10:30? To say now that I’m tired doesn’t do justice to the literal exhaustion I’ve reached, both physically and mentally, at this point. I wake up tired, I feel like I’m dying half the time (if not more), and I drink wine as much as water these days to get me through to the next. Which probably doesn’t help things, but it certainly makes me feel better or at least care a bit less that the world is hanging off my shoulders. I cry, frequently, at the mere thought of everything I have to do, things that aren’t getting done, things I’ve messed up, how I probably lost my patience with the kids more (like way more) than is fair to them, how they don’t get enough of my time, pretty much over anything. I’m tearing up right now just putting it all down. But I have to get it out. It’s toxic and it’s eating away at me, not particularly slowly I’ll add.

They say when it rains it pours, well – this past week has been one hell of a tsunami-shit-storm if I’ve ever known one. First my other half of intake was out for a week starting last Wednesday, which is a well-deserved vacation on her part, but when there are typically just two of you to take care of an entire department and one leaves, it makes for a whole hell of a lot more work and frustration trying to cover EVERYTHING in the world all at once. Thursday my little sister K decides to throw a shit-fit and move out of my mom’s house (again) over a fight that I honestly couldn’t even tell you whether it was huge or tiny because I’ve now heard no less than 17 different versions of what happened. Friday my brother and sister-in-law N & T, along with my niece and infant nephew, moved back up to Maine…and while we all knew it was coming (and honestly all felt it was time, that this had well run its course and was no longer a great situation for anyone) it hit super hard once it was real and the day was here, moving truck and all, that they’d be leaving for good. Significantly more tears were shed than I thought I had in me, and it turns out that it was pretty crushing to have them actually go.

Oh, and did I mention that along with my mom (who works overnight shifts, and then takes the twins most days while I’m at work), my sister and sister-in-law were the ones primarily watching the girls? Cuz yea, that’s the case. So in two days I lost 85% of the help that made me feel less bad that I’ve been running my mom ragged watching my kids all the time…for free… My stepdad and brothers totally help too, and I can’t discredit that, but T was doing the vast majority of the work with them once my mom left for her job each day at 3:30 (along with caring for my 2 year old niece and 2 month old nephew of her own), plus the girls adore both of their aunties, and now there’s just plain fewer people in the house to help out every day. And with twins, you need all hands on deck, always, because it’s just a shit show day in and day out.

Dan finally got a job, but it’s a part time and kind of shitty gig that now just leads to more complication of who’s going to get Logan off the bus, be home for this or that, who is gonna make dinner and keep the house in one piece (which Dan has been doing wonderfully while I’ve been in school…we’d be living in squalor if it weren’t for all that he has been doing). But I genuinely have to wonder if the job is even worth the extra headache of dealing with it all…and I’m not totally sure we’ll even be breaking even once you consider that our benefits and stuff will likely get reduced (if not eliminated) once I have to report his first paycheck. I can’t deal, where’s the wine….

I thought I’d feel better putting everything down…I thought I’d see that it’s really not so bad after all. No. Just nope. Now I’m at work bawling because I really feel like I’m losing at everything I’m trying to do because I can’t put enough effort into any one thing anymore. I’m beyond exhausted, our “budget” is a freaking joke, I’m not eating right, I’m drinking entirely too much, I feel like I’m falling apart…I’m just not adulting as well as I should be. I know I can do better than this. But I don’t feel like I have it in me. I’m beyond overwhelmed. What have I gotten myself into?!? We’ve all got our demons, but this week it really feels like mine are just taking over. 

Rant done, unfortunately the tears are not…

Adulthood, Babies, Bad Day, Parenting, RealTalk, Sarcastic, Twins

Ari’s ER Adventure…

Kind of a rough post after 2 (or more?) months without an update, but there’s only one of me and so much to do on the regular lol. But I don’t want the fuss of posting this to Facebook in realtime and I can’t not document the experience either…
So. I’m in the ER with a sick baby for the very first time….and it’s pretty terrifying. With the exception of Logan’s broken arm at the end of this past summer, none of my kids had ever had an ER trip, something I was pretty proud of. If you know me at all, you know I’m not an alarmist, a germaphobe, or someone who runs to the doctor’s office over every little cough or scrape. Much less a visit to the ER. They basically have to be dying for me to go in. But after a long conversation first with the on-call nurse and then the on-call doctor, we decided to play it safe (so as to make sure she isn’t dying…) and head down to the hospital. Logan cried when I said he couldn’t come and just did not want to hear about how boring the ordeal would be for him or how I didn’t want him in the hospital exposed to crap that he didn’t need to be exposed to. So I kissed my teary eyed five-year-old good night and headed into the dark with my middle child Arielle (my older twin…by like 30 seconds…aka Sick Child…) to go to the ER and see just what it is that’s going on. 

12/22/16 9:00pm – we check into Day Kimball’s ER, the local hospital in the area. Place is along the lines of that quote “though she be but little, she is fierce” cuz it’s basically a full service hospital in a tiny, rural area. You get sent to a major city for treatment if you need more than they can give you here, and like it becomes a no-joke situation. Anyway, we get checked in, smooth and easy and everyone fawns over how cute Sick Child is. And then I tell them she has a twin and I think one just dropped to the floor in awe lol. 

9:15p – We get into an ER room and they take Sick Child’s temp…103.3, which is even higher than the 103.0 that made me call the pedi on-call in the first place at about 7:30. Even more troubling, this is after giving her Tylenol at 7:45ish which should have brought it right down. They tell us to hang tight, make us comfortable on the bed, and Sick Child passes out nice and hard for one of the first times all day.  

10:10p – They finally bring her some Motrin to work on that fever, which of course wakes her up and she goes back to grunting and moaning at me so that I know full well that she is not feeling well. Dr says she’ll be in to evaluate soon. 

10:38p – No sign of Dr yet, but Sick Child has fallen back asleep so she’ll probably be here any minute. In other news, I’ve figured out how to use Snapchat filters. You’re welcome in advance, world…

10:45p – Dr comes in (told you it would be any minute now), evaluates, and orders chest X-ray and does RSV test swab. And now we wait….

11:10p – Chest X-ray done, featuring this contraption which looks like it’s from the mid-1800’s or so. Sick child is not pleased. 

11:30pm – While waiting for the X-ray and RSV test results, Sick Child decides to try out some new looks for Christmas Day festivities to keep the mood light lol #snapchatfilters #defgonnaoverusethese

12/23, 1:00am(ish) – I’m woken by the sweetest, gentelest arm shake from the Dr at the ER. Sick Child and I had apparently both fallen asleep… X-rays negative for pneumonia, but she’s positive for RSV and her breathing is still way faster than it should be (and it’s been hours at this point). They’re transferring her to CT Children’s Medical Center so she can be admitted and observed (for at least) overnight. They say it could be 24-48 hours though….I’m seriously hoping that will not be the case. But anything at all for baby girl to feel better and be safe. Massive texting with husband and mom to figure out logistics ensues. 

1:40am – Sick Child and I take our first ride in an ambulance  together…not how I’d have chosen to try out an ambulance ride (though, really what scenario is good to try an ambulance ride anyway?) Sick Child sleeps like a baby (see what I did there lol) nearly the whole ride dispite some serious bumpiness. 

2:40a – We arrive at CT Children’s Medical Center (CCMC) and Sick Child has perked back up during the ambulance ride. Oxygen levels back up to normal, but they’re still gonna admit her and monitor everything. Nurses and Drs start checking all the symptoms and going through all the questions again. I’m honestly exhausted at this point, physically and mentally. Did I mention I was also up till like 3:30a last night finishing Big Brother’s school gifts for his little classmates? Cuz yea, I was…

3:30a – Mean nurses come in to start an IV drip on Sick Child, poke her poor little hand and create this big wrap around her arm so she doesn’t pull it out. She’s so lethargic at this point that instead of wailing like I expected when stuck, she just moans at me some more and looks at me like, “make them stop mommmm…” **Disclaimer: the nurses were actually very sweet and nice and wonderful. They just put a needle in my sweet baby girl and it was no fun at all to have to watch, that’s all. 

3:50a – Nurses come in to try a nebulizer/albuterol treatment on Sick Child to see if that helps the breathing at all. Dr says that it is kind of unlikely to do much, but that it doesn’t hurt and if it does work then that’s a good step in the right direction. Adorable mini dinosaur nebulizer is used, and I’m a little upset that it seems inappropriate to take a picture of its cuteness. 

4:10a – Nebulizer, as predicted, does not do much for Sick Child and we get wheeled in to the respiratory distress room to put her on a high-flow oxygen line. They suction out her nose and throat (and lungs maybe? That tube looked pretty long…) and what appears to be half her body weight in mucus comes out and goes away in a tube to somewhere that must be infinitely disgusting. High-flow oxygen is started and Sick Child is noticably more comfortable almost immediately. 

4:45 – Grandma arrives in the ER just in time as they’re about to admit Sick Child. I’m just relieved that if I suddenly pass out from exhaustion that someone will be there to catch her…

5:10a – Sick Child and I get wheeled up to the PICU and when we arrive at her room and I see a crib, I realize I’m going to have to put her down so the medical team can do what they need to…for the first time during this whole ordeal I start to tear up but offer her to the mercy of the professionals anyway…


5:50a – Deep sleep finally (for her) while grandma and I sit and stare at her. And so ends the adventure of the ER…

Ari’s stay would last 5 days, 4 of which were in the PICU, putting us in the hospital for the babies’ first Christmas. Hellish and terrifying but nothing to make you realize what you’re made of like watching your little one fighting like that in a hospital bed. This is where the crazy idea to go to nursing school truly stems from…. 


Adulthood, Babies, Bad Day, Parenting, RealTalk, Sarcastic, Twins

That Post You Don’t Want to Post but You Have to because that’s Just Where You Are Right Now

Omg so….I don’t even know where we’re at with stories of the twins and all the happy nonsense I typically post. This is not that post. I’ve had a hellish week, a little wine, and want to vent to the world about just wtf like wtf has happened here. 

My life feels like hell. Like that wonderful “I have three healthy,wonderful kids and a great husband” kind of hell but I can assure you it does exist. I’ve had awful anxiety basically all month but especially the past week because I sucked dry my supply of good anxiety drugs too early in the month and now I’m SOL to deal with things on my own. I self medicate with wine. I pretend I know what the hell I’m doing, but I haven’t got a clue. 

I feel like I must definitely spend more time with my “more difficult” twin and feel bad about that. Whether or not it’s even true is another story entirely. They each have their days, but Dani seems to have more than Ari if I think about it. I feel like I have just not got a clue what the hell in supposed to be doing as I try (SO FUCKING HARD) to fulfill both the needs of my now 4 month old twins and my 5 year old who just started kindergarten. I feel like I’m failing constantly. I feel like I can’t keep it together. Like for real. 

And that’s how this week has been. Just. Fucking. Awful. Ugh…

Adulthood, Babies, Parenting, RealTalk, Sarcastic

PokeMongo

It must be tough to be 5 years old and not only have an iPhone, but also be required to physically walk around to get these damn Pokemon…really tough stuff there. Logan is absolutely wailing right now because he can’t “just make the guy walk around.” It really seems like five is going to be a challenging year. Smdh… #whitekidproblems #firstworldproblems #whenIwasyouragesmh #PokemonGo #thatsthewholepoint #fivenager #isthatathing #itisnow #wheresthewine 😡😳😱😲