I used to think things were hard…that life was hard. Life is hard, but my previous life – before the twins – doesn’t hold a candle to the torch my life now has become. To recap, I’ve gone back to work (long ago, and far too soon but that’s another story for another day), and then had the crazy idea that it would be smart to go back to school for nursing…while having infant twins and a 5 year old, being the sole income for the household right now, and well, you know, just having the rest of life and a home and family to deal with on top of it all. This will be all well and good in the long run, but let’s be real, it’s batshit crazy right now. Talk about climbing an uphill battle on the daily, for real.
I used to think I was tired. Like before I had kids I thought I was tired…that is fucking hilarious to me now. Tired from what, Christina? Late night bong rips? Sleeping in till “only” 10:30? To say now that I’m tired doesn’t do justice to the literal exhaustion I’ve reached, both physically and mentally, at this point. I wake up tired, I feel like I’m dying half the time (if not more), and I drink wine as much as water these days to get me through to the next. Which probably doesn’t help things, but it certainly makes me feel better or at least care a bit less that the world is hanging off my shoulders. I cry, frequently, at the mere thought of everything I have to do, things that aren’t getting done, things I’ve messed up, how I probably lost my patience with the kids more (like way more) than is fair to them, how they don’t get enough of my time, pretty much over anything. I’m tearing up right now just putting it all down. But I have to get it out. It’s toxic and it’s eating away at me, not particularly slowly I’ll add.
They say when it rains it pours, well – this past week has been one hell of a tsunami-shit-storm if I’ve ever known one. First my other half of intake was out for a week starting last Wednesday, which is a well-deserved vacation on her part, but when there are typically just two of you to take care of an entire department and one leaves, it makes for a whole hell of a lot more work and frustration trying to cover EVERYTHING in the world all at once. Thursday my little sister K decides to throw a shit-fit and move out of my mom’s house (again) over a fight that I honestly couldn’t even tell you whether it was huge or tiny because I’ve now heard no less than 17 different versions of what happened. Friday my brother and sister-in-law N & T, along with my niece and infant nephew, moved back up to Maine…and while we all knew it was coming (and honestly all felt it was time, that this had well run its course and was no longer a great situation for anyone) it hit super hard once it was real and the day was here, moving truck and all, that they’d be leaving for good. Significantly more tears were shed than I thought I had in me, and it turns out that it was pretty crushing to have them actually go.
Oh, and did I mention that along with my mom (who works overnight shifts, and then takes the twins most days while I’m at work), my sister and sister-in-law were the ones primarily watching the girls? Cuz yea, that’s the case. So in two days I lost 85% of the help that made me feel less bad that I’ve been running my mom ragged watching my kids all the time…for free… My stepdad and brothers totally help too, and I can’t discredit that, but T was doing the vast majority of the work with them once my mom left for her job each day at 3:30 (along with caring for my 2 year old niece and 2 month old nephew of her own), plus the girls adore both of their aunties, and now there’s just plain fewer people in the house to help out every day. And with twins, you need all hands on deck, always, because it’s just a shit show day in and day out.
Dan finally got a job, but it’s a part time and kind of shitty gig that now just leads to more complication of who’s going to get Logan off the bus, be home for this or that, who is gonna make dinner and keep the house in one piece (which Dan has been doing wonderfully while I’ve been in school…we’d be living in squalor if it weren’t for all that he has been doing). But I genuinely have to wonder if the job is even worth the extra headache of dealing with it all…and I’m not totally sure we’ll even be breaking even once you consider that our benefits and stuff will likely get reduced (if not eliminated) once I have to report his first paycheck. I can’t deal, where’s the wine….
I thought I’d feel better putting everything down…I thought I’d see that it’s really not so bad after all. No. Just nope. Now I’m at work bawling because I really feel like I’m losing at everything I’m trying to do because I can’t put enough effort into any one thing anymore. I’m beyond exhausted, our “budget” is a freaking joke, I’m not eating right, I’m drinking entirely too much, I feel like I’m falling apart…I’m just not adulting as well as I should be. I know I can do better than this. But I don’t feel like I have it in me. I’m beyond overwhelmed. What have I gotten myself into?!? We’ve all got our demons, but this week it really feels like mine are just taking over.
Rant done, unfortunately the tears are not…